The Joke Thread

I'm schizophrenic and so am I:wacko:
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, Don't eat it, it's an ass hole!"
 
Victoria said:
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, Don't eat it, it's an ass hole!"
Click to expand...

:LMAO::LMAO::LMAO:

hahahahahahahhahaha...loved it..
 
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
 
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the

tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!


Why WAL-MART??



HELLOOOOOOOOO!




WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!




:lol::lol::lol:
 
t4e said:
A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the

tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!


Why WAL-MART??



HELLOOOOOOOOO!




WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!




:lol::lol::lol:
Click to expand...

:LMAO:
Come on, t4e...you can admit it were you in that story...:mask::lol:
 
c00l.d00d said:
:LMAO:
Come on, t4e...you can admit it were you in that story...:mask::lol:
Click to expand...



hmmm... thanks for the "compliment", i guess you were deprived of coffee today:p :p
 
Last edited:
William Safire's rules for writing as seen in the New York Times​

Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great
deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague.
Click to expand...
 
piccoli said:
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake


:lol:
Click to expand...

:lolz:good one.lol
 
GreyDog said:
A Man is driving around the country-side on a sunny afternoon.
As he drives, the man sees a chicken running down to road ahead of him, quite intrigued by how fast this chicken can run, he speeds up to take a look.
Upon reaching the running chicken, the chicken looks, and takes off like a bat out of hell. The man tries to keep up in his car, but at a 120Miles per hour, the chicken out runs the car.
The man can't beleive his eyes, and spots the chicken turn down a farmers driveway.
He has to understand what he saw, so he pulls into the driveway and spots the Farmer.
The man asks the farmer if he saw a Chicken run by at over 120 mile/hour.
The farmer claims "Uh Huh"
The Man's asks, "how is this possible?"
The farmer explains, " We breed 3 legged chickens here for that extra Drumstick.
The man says, "Thats amazing, how do they taste?"
Farmer says, "Don't know, never caught one yet"


:lol:
Click to expand...
good one:lol:
 
robejaegs said:
How do you know when you are at a gay picinic?

The hotdogs taste like crap.
Click to expand...

:lol:.

There are 4 gay guys in a jacuzi, suddenly a condom pops up in the middle, and one of them says, "who farted"

why did the gum crossed the road?- becaue it was stuck to the chickens ft.:LMAO:
 
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his Bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, 'The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
 
muhahahaha
 
And who said men are simple?

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
 
Victoria said:
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his Bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, 'The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
Click to expand...

I felt the pain of that..
 
Victoria said:
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, 'You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his Bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving.
When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
The nurse replied, 'The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
Click to expand...
:lolz:it even hurted me also. is the tooth faire going to bring him money for the penis?:lolz:
 
Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"

In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
 
Oohhhh thats where I should've put my jokes in,..
 
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