The Joke Thread

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Blondes in Heaven


Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks.

"I died in a freezer," the second blonde replies, "how did you die?"

"Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair. So, one day when I came home early from work, I found my husband naked. I looked all over the house trying to find the other woman, but I had no luck. When I was coming upstairs from the basement, I slipped and broke my neck."

"If only you looked in the freezer," the second blonde replies, "maybe we both might still be alive!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Altered-Mind said:
Blondes in Heaven


Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks.

"I died in a freezer," the second blonde replies, "how did you die?"

"Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair. So, one day when I came home early from work, I found my husband naked. I looked all over the house trying to find the other woman, but I had no luck. When I was coming upstairs from the basement, I slipped and broke my neck."

"If only you looked in the freezer," the second blonde replies, "maybe we both might still be alive!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...
FAIL!:bike::lol:
 
Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arr ives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
:LMAO::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO::LMAO: @ t4e´s post
 
NAG, NAG, NAG

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that
her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after
all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up
stairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed,


'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Drunk George is standing at the side of the road trying to put his apartement keys into a light pole.. few minutes later a cop car pulls up and two cops get out and go to George.
One of them asks: "Excuse me sir, what are u trying to do?"
George gives them a quick reply: "I am trying to get into my apartement but I can't seem to find the key hole :S
The other cop looks up and says to George: "Try ringing the doorbell, the light on the second floor is on"
 
Sex Frog

A gorgeous blonde walks into a sex shop and asks for their best pleasure device, noticing her beauty and her stupidity he takes her out the back where he has a "special" toy just for her...

He explains he has just got in the "african sex frog" which is trained to pleasure the woman all night long

He tells her all she has to do is undress and get into bed with the frog and it will pleasure her in ways she can't even imagine!

The gorgeous blonde does exactly as the sex shop worker explained, and after 5 mins the frog is just sitting there doing nothing!

She calls him and he says he will be there in 5 mins... when he gets there he picks up the frog and says

"This is the last time I will show you how to do it"
 
Two cops accompagnied by a police dog are patrolling on foot in a neighbourhood full of bars.

Not many incidents happen while they do their round but suddenly a man stumbled clearly very drunk out of one of the bars and goes a few meters behind the cops and the dog. The drunk man kneels and lays his face side-ways down on the ground facing the cops and dog. After a few seconds, the man tries to get up, shakes his head mumbles and goes back in the bar.

The cops and the police dog continue their round...

A few minutes later, the cops come back by the same bar, again the drunk guy storms out of the bar, going left and right, clearly smashed. Again he kneels, with face down on the ground behind the cops and dog. The cops have no clue what the man is doing, but since he's not really doing anything wrong, they let him be.

Again a round later, the cops pass the same bar.

The man comes out again, first has the hold on to the door and then stumbles again trying to get behind the cops and the dog. Before the drunk guy can kneel down, one of the cops asks: Sir what are you doing each time?

The drunk guys answers: one of my friends inside the bar said there is a dog with 2 assholes on the street...

:lol::lol:
​
 
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for 5 beers. He drinks the 5 beers.
Then he asks for 4 beers. He drinks the 4 beers.
Then 3 beers. And he drinks the 3.
And then 2 beers. And he drinks them.
Finnaly, asks for 1 beer, and after that one, he thinks:
"I don't understand! The less i drink, the worst i get!!"
 
Mike79 said:
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 5 beers. He drinks the 5 beers.
Then he asks for 4 beers. He drinks the 4 beers.
Then 3 beers. And he drinks the 3.
And then 2 beers. And he drinks them.
Finnaly, asks for 1 beer, and after that one, he thinks:
"I don't understand! The less i drink, the worst i get!!"
Click to expand...

Funny joke :bravo: :lol:
 
DreamensioN said:
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found .
Click to expand...



jajajajajaja :lol: :lol:​
 
They say that when they marry Pisces and Aquarius, the wrecked marriage.

It's not the same as a Fiat 600 black that 600 blacks in a Fiat.
 
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If something pisses me off are the pins. (A balloon)
:mama:
 
c00l.d00d said:
Q: What´s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife??
A: About 30kg...

:mask::mask:
:lol::lol::lol:
Click to expand...
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Stefani13 said:
They say that when they marry Pisces and Aquarius, the wrecked marriage.

It's not the same as a Fiat 600 black that 600 blacks in a Fiat.
Click to expand...

Stefani13 said:
If something pisses me off are the pins. (A balloon)
:mama:
Click to expand...

ellyka112 said:
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
Click to expand...

Errr.. :hmmm: The clue?
 
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